Recognizing Narcissistic Traits in Parents

by- Hannah Jagiri

Narcissism is a self-centered personality characterized as an excessive interest in the narcissist’s physical appearance or image and an excessive preoccupation with their own needs, often at the expense of others. Having a narcissistic parent can be emotionally draining, and children of narcissists may not recognize these traits until they are much older. They may experience passive-aggressive silent treatment and gaslighting when they go against the wishes of their narcissistic parent but may consider it a form of love. 

‘’Children of narcissistic parents often suffer from life-lasting behavioral issues, and may have a high vulnerability. They may have experienced traumatic situations, especially when they were unable to please their parent” (Jabeen, et al., 2021). Narcissistic parents employ various tactics to manipulate their children, and this form of abuse causes long-lasting trauma. Children raised by narcissists often suffer adverse effects and seek therapy throughout their adult years.

A narcissistic parent ignores their children’s individual needs, molding them to fit their own perfectionist standards and serve their own emotional needs. 

Parental Narcissistic Abuse can disrupt the process of self-development. So, how do you know if your parents are narcissists?

Conditional Love

A narcissist’s love feels conditional. They only offer acts of love when their child does precisely what they ask. If their children stray from the path they create for them, they withdraw their acts of love and may gaslight their children into doing what they want (Lo, 2022). As a result, this forces the child to not have “much choice other than to try to meet the demands of the narcissistic parent” (Pugle, 2022). However, children should not be forced to meet the conditions of their parents to gain their love and trust. This manipulation uses love as a reward rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting. A child who suffers Narcissistic Abuse often feels used or used by their parents and that their parents exploit the child-parent relationship for their personal gain. 

Manipulation and Entitlement

Narcissistic parents employ manipulative methods when things do not go their way or when children try to set healthy boundaries,  making their children feel guilty and irrational and playing the Victim. To control their children, they often use guilt-tripping, shaming, and yelling (Pugle, 2022). The best way to recognize these warning signs is noticing how the parent reacts when  the child sets healthy boundaries. 

Attention Seeking

When parents do not create space in their life for their children and instead make their own endeavors the center of attention, this is another form of Narcissistic Abuse. This abuse is accompanied by the narcissistic parents boasting about their achievements and portraying themselves as a loving and caring parent who sacrifices everything for their children. Parents like this live to be at the forefront of every praise. Whenever they feel their children are breaking out of their mental chain, they might do something drastic like faking an illness or hurting themself just so they can be the center of attention. 

Intolerance to Perceived Disobedience

Narcissistic parents see their children as an extension of themselves, so they view every disagreement and different opinion as a personal attack. They belittle, mock, and dismiss any contradiction. Children with narcissistic parents often describe their parents as rigid, but that rigidity is actually narcissism. They perceive any contrary opinion as a sign of disobedience and will fight back the only ways they know how: manipulating, dismissing, and belittling their child.

Criticism

Narcissists believe they are superior to others, including their kids. They may feel entitled to make condescending remarks and criticize any differing opinion. They constantly put down their children and kill their self-esteem, which may progress to physical and verbal assaults to humiliate their child. Most adults who grew up with narcissistic parents often end up having low-self esteem because of how their parents constantly belittled them as kids. 

Arrogance

Narcissists believe that they are never wrong. Parental Narcissistic Abuse often includes parents blaming their children for their own mistakes and giving cruel criticisms. Parents like this never take responsibility for their actions and always shift the blame to someone else. They have a false sense of being perfect, so they think that being wrong about anything is impossible. One way to know if you or someone you love has a narcissistic parent is they never accept their wrongs. 

As a child becomes an adult, dealing with a narcissistic parent may lead to better boundaries and more freedom from the abuse. The first step to breaking free from a narcissistic parent  is recognizing  that all children are worthy of a compassionate, loving, and nurturing relationship with a parent. Healthy boundaries are a great first step towards a child or adult recognizing their worth. In any relationship with a narcissist, prioritizing mental and emotional wellbeing should be a main priority. If you believe your relationship with your parents has affected your emotional wellbeing in any way, consider the importance and benefit of seeking professional help.

We at ARO are here to support you in your personal healing journey to complete well-being. We bring awareness and education to 13 different types of abuse including Narcissistic, Sexual, Physical, Psychological, Financial, Child, Self, Cyberbullying, Bullying, Spousal, Elderly, Isolation, and Workplace, and help others heal and find peace. Please support our efforts by going to GoARO.org to learn how you can make an impact on the Abuse Care Community.

References

Pugle, M. (2022, January 25). Signs of a Narcissistic parent and how to cope. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/narcissistic-parent-5213058

Jabeen, F., Gerritsen, C., & Treur, J. (2021). Healing the next generation: An adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism. Brain Informatics, 8(1), 4. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40708-020-00115-z

Lo, Imi. (2022). Narcissistic parent abuse – 5 types of invisible narcissistic abuse. Eggshell therapy. https://eggshelltherapy.com/narcissistic-parent-abuse/