Defining Boundaries
BY: Dylan kretchmar
A boundary is a limit or guideline you set for yourself to define what you will and will not accept. They clearly communicate when, how, and to whom we give our time, energy, and power (Sanok, 2002). Boundaries form the foundation for self-care, mutual respect, and expectations, which are essential for building and sustaining healthy relationships with ourselves and others.
Boundaries are shaped by our values, needs, environments, and priorities, and they will look different from person to person (Sanok, 2002). Additionally, boundaries can change as we grow and evolve as individuals.
Why Boundaries are Important
Boundaries help us define and protect our identities, mental and physical well-being, and goals in numerous ways. They are a powerful tool for personal well-being because they:
- Encourage self-reflection, allowing us to gain a deeper understanding of our identities, needs, desires, values, and priorities.
- Clarifying our roles and expectations in our relationships facilitates trust and mutual respect (Tsatiris, 2023).
- Create space to prioritize what matters most, making room for the things that support our personal growth (Tsatiris, 2023).
- Guide us towards actions that support our growth and away from behaviors that cause us harm (Sanok, 2002).
Because of this, boundaries can help conserve energy, reduce stress, and prevent burnout by promoting healthier and more balanced interactions with ourselves and others (Sanok, 2002).
Types of Boundaries
If you’re new to setting boundaries or wish to strengthen the ones you already have, identifying them as either hard or soft can provide a helpful framework for where to begin.
- Hard boundaries are firm and non-negotiable, defining what you are unwilling to compromise and serve to protect your core values and well-being. These are the most important ones to establish early on (Sanok, 2002).
- Example: Refusing to be in the same room as someone who is verbally abusive.
- Soft boundaries are more flexible. They are adaptable, depending on the situation or relationship, and align more closely with your wants and preferences. If you’re new to communicating your boundaries, starting with soft boundaries can offer good practice for confidently establishing and reinforcing your hard boundaries later (Sanok, 2002).
- Example: Telling a friend you can only talk on the phone for 20 minutes right now because you have an important deadline.
How to Create and Enforce Boundaries
To establish strong and effective boundaries, you must both define and enforce them consistently.
Step 1: Reflect
Begin by reflecting honestly and fairly on key aspects of your life, including your needs, wants,- reactions, behaviors, relationships, goals, and environment. Avoid self-criticism and comparison with others. Remember: these boundaries are about you, not anyone else (Tsatiris, 2023).
Step 2: Create Your Limits or Guidelines
Based on your reflection, establish clear and reasonable limits or guidelines to protect or prioritize the aspects that matter most. Ensure that these guidelines feel supportive and helpful, rather than unrealistic, draining, or harmful.
Step 3: Classify Your Boundaries
Determine whether each boundary is hard or soft. Classifying your boundaries can help you decide where to begin. Think about which ones feel the most urgent, or which ones could help you build confidence in communicating them.
Step 4: Communicate Your Boundaries
Clearly and directly share your boundaries with the people to whom they apply. This communication can be verbal, written, or conveyed through consistent actions. It’s essential to be mindful of potential reactions and never put yourself in harm’s way. Also, always communicate when your boundaries change. This is a good opportunity to ask others about their boundaries, clarify mutual expectations, or create a plan with someone on how you both plan to uphold a boundary.
Step 5: Enforce with Consistency and Confidence
While some people may respect your boundaries the first time around (a strong sign of a healthy relationship), others may need reminders. Be prepared to reinforce your boundaries. However, if you notice that your boundaries are repeatedly being ignored, it could be a sign of poor communication or a red flag of a toxic or disrespectful relationship.
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Sources:
(Sanok, 2002) Sanok, J. (2002, April 14). A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2022/04/a-guide-to-setting-better-boundaries
(Tsatiris, 2023) Tsatiris, D. (2023, Jan. 1). How to Set Boundaries With Yourself. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-in-high-achievers/202212/how-to-set-boundaries-with-yourself
