Having the Difficult Conversation with Those Who are Hurting You Most
It can be challenging to confront the person who has abused you for many reasons. They may not be aware of how much they have hurt you. You may worry that talking to them could make the abuse worse. You may have accepted the abuse and can’t imagine things changing. No matter how difficult it may be to face your abuser, you deserve to be free from it. Remember: there is nothing you could have done to deserve abuse. It will not be easy, but you can change your life and heal from abuse.
When it comes to confronting your abuser, here are some things that can be helpful to keep in mind. Every abusive situation is different, and some of this information may not be helpful in your case. It’s important to trust your instincts about what will work for you, talk to people who know about your situation, and ARO is here to help in any way we can.
Acknowledge the Abuse
Learning about different forms of abuse can help you recognize when you are being abused. Your abuser and others may try to convince you that you are not being abused. If you question whether or not a certain treatment is abuse, you owe it to yourself to investigate reliable sources.
It can be helpful to personally acknowledge the abuse you’ve suffered and point it out to your abuser. Tell them that they are hurting you and what they are doing is wrong, only if you feel comfortable doing it.
Create and Stand by Consequences for Abuse
Let your abuser know that you will not let them continue to hurt you. For example, “If you keep doing this, I will end our relationship.”
The article “How to Confront an Abusive Person” on psychcentral.com advises to “see it (abuse), speak it, stress it, and stand by it.”
Acknowledging and stopping abuse is a process, but it’s crucial to be dedicated to that change.
Use an Emotional Shield
The article “Confronting an Emotional Abuser” on psychologytoday.com says, “An emotional shield is a person who can support you while you are confronting your abuser. It should be someone who pledges beforehand to act as a buffer between you and your abuser if you start getting into trouble. There are other sorts of shielding you can use besides another person; the telephone, for example, or even a long-distance relationship by mail.”
If you don’t feel safe confronting your abuser on your own, you don’t have to.
Don’t Believe that They can Change Immediately
An abuser may apologize profusely after being confronted, but it’s important to remember that actions count- not words. Repeated abuse is not fixed in a day. There will be many underlying issues in your relationship with an abuser.
Learn more about overcoming abuse at GoARO.org and from the sources below. Please consider donating to help support ARO’s mission of helping the abused.
https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2016/05/how-to-confront-an-abusive-person#1
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201305/confronting-emotional-abuser
Confronting Those Who Abuse: The Accountability Model of Courage
