Lessons from Norm Therapy™

Kelly Dehn, Cofounder of ARO, has been able to help those in abusive situations because of her own life experience. After reaching what she refers to as the lowest point of her life, suffering abuse after abuse, Dehn was introduced to by Michael Gibson, Cofounder; and eventually began, what is now known as Norm Therapy™. Dehn describes Norm Therapy™ as “a baseline therapy from which the professionals can carry on their mission to help the abused. We will build a baseline of overt clarity for each abused victim. Basically, what we are doing is providing a clear picture of the problem to the abused.” Norm Therapy™ is about finding what is normal for a person—what an abused person was like before their abuse or would have been like if their abuse never happened. According to Dehn, “If you don’t know what normal looks like, how can you ever gauge your past or your future?”
In her story, Dehn shared three things she learned that got her through the process of Norm Therapy™. These lessons are helpful not only for those in therapy, but also for those looking to figure out who they really are and what they can do. Here are the three lessons:

 

1.     “I had to learn the truth, and to stop lying to myself and to others.”
Dehn has talked a lot about recognizing lies in her own life. Check out the video “Pathological Liar” on GoAro.org to learn more. It can be easy to tell ourselves and others comforting lies. This can be something as simple as saying that you’re “fine” to a friend. Dehn has also talked about how years of traditional therapy didn’t work for her because she wasn’t being honest with herself or her therapists. If we don’t confront the issues in our lives, we will never be able to solve them.

2.     “I had to realize that we are all dumb about something, and I was really dumb about myself.”
Isn’t it true that we all have blind spots in our lives? We might overlook having serious conversations with friends, working on our emotional intelligence, or maybe just learning little things, like changing the oil in our cars. You might be able to put these things off for a while, but eventually, they need to be addressed.
Dehn said, “It took about six months for me, within myself, to finally recognize who I was and how I fit in. Once I knew that I was finally on the right path, things became simpler.” Understanding who we are and what we want makes healing much easier.

3.     “I had to learn to measure my courage against my reticence to change and the acceptance of those changes.”
If we can be honest with ourselves and understand what we need to change in our lives, the last thing we need to do is make those changes. And it’s not an easy process. Dehn said, “Over a thousand times during my therapy, I had asked that my counselors would simply just take over my life and lead me. Their consistent response was always, ‘No Kelly, we want you to take over your own life and lead yourself.’” Probably the most important part of any therapy is willingness to change. You can be better and you can have help along the way, but first, you have to decide to heal yourself.

Learn more about Norm Therapy™ and Kelly Dehn’s story at GoARO.org